Breakups can feel like an emotional rollercoaster. Whether it’s a mutual decision or a blindsiding goodbye, the aftermath can bring a level of pain and confusion that many aren’t prepared for. Dr Kear Brain, Vhi Senior Clinical Psychologist, discusses the intricacies of heartbreak and what tips she has for healing from the grief.

From a psychological perspective, relationship grief shares a lot of characteristics with bereavement — but it also carries its own unique complications. Let’s explore this through some of the most common questions people ask after a breakup.

How is grief after a breakup similar to grieving a death?

In many ways, they’re emotionally indistinguishable. When you lose a partner — through death or a breakup — your brain experiences the same kind of separation distress. Research using brain scans has shown that romantic rejection activates areas of the brain associated with physical pain. So, you’re not being dramatic — your brain is literally trying to make sense of a major loss.

But unlike death, breakups come with added layers: ambiguity, unresolved feelings, and often, the knowledge that the other person is still “out there” living their life. That can make closure harder and grief more prolonged.

Are there typical stages to breakup grief?

Yes, though they don’t follow a linear path. Much like Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance), breakup grief can cycle through:

• Shock and denial: “This can’t really be happening.”
• Anger: “How could they do this?”
• Bargaining: “If I change, maybe we can fix it.”
• Sadness/depression: “I don’t know how to move forward or how to live without this person in my life.”
• Acceptance: “It’s painful, but I’m learning to live with it.”

It’s also common to bounce between stages or revisit them unexpectedly. The key is not to rush the process or judge yourself for where you are emotionally.

What tips do you recommend for processing a breakup? And then for trying to heal from it?

Here are a few evidence-backed tips:

• Feel the feelings. Suppressing emotions can delay healing. Journaling, therapy, or even voice notes to yourself can be helpful outlets.
• Limit contact both in person and online. Especially in the early days, distance helps reduce the emotional spikes triggered by seeing or hearing from your ex. This may include choosing to unfollow them on social media if seeing their content is distressing or hurtful.
• Resist idealising. It’s easy to remember only the good stuff. Try to keep a balanced view of the relationship — what worked, what didn’t, and why.
• Engage in self-care. Not in the bubble-bath sense (though that’s fine too!) but in consistent, nourishing ways: sleep, food, movement, and connection with supportive people in your life.
• Set small goals. Even something like “I’ll make my bed every day this week” can restore a sense of agency.

Healing begins with acceptance and continues with intentional effort. It takes time, but growth is possible — and likely.

What if someone is left with lots of questions after a breakup — that they know they won’t get answers to? How can they progress?

This is one of the most psychologically agonising parts of breakups: the unanswered “why.” The brain craves closure! But in the absence of answers, the healthiest pivot is meaning-making. Instead of waiting for your ex to give you clarity, focus on what you can learn.

You might ask yourself: What patterns can I see in how I attach to others? What did I ignore or overlook? What did I gain from the relationship, even if it ended?

Meaning-making is different from blame or self-criticism. It’s about understanding, and that can be far more healing than any closure that someone else could offer.

How should someone handle mutual friendships or shared circles after a breakup?

I recommend you tread gently and communicate clearly. Mutual friends often feel caught in the middle. It’s helpful to:

• Let people know what you’re comfortable with (e.g., “I’d rather not hear updates about them right now.”)
• Avoid turning shared spaces into battlegrounds. If something feels too tender — like attending the same event — give yourself permission to sit it out.
• Accept that some dynamics will shift. Not every mutual friend will stay neutral, and that’s okay. Focus on the relationships that support your healing.

Is there any evidence that men and women experience breakup grief differently, or is that just a social media narrative?

There is some evidence of differences, but it’s nuanced. Studies suggest that women tend to feel the emotional pain of a breakup more acutely at first, while men may struggle more in the long-term. This might be because women often have stronger emotional support systems, while men are often socialised to suppress vulnerability. However, it’s crucial to remember: these are averages, not rules. Personality, attachment style, support systems, and cultural factors all shape how individuals experience breakup grief. So, while gender may play a role, it’s not an inevitability.

Let’s say someone is in the very early days of heartbreak; what 2-3 things should they keep in mind?

1.       First, be kind to yourself. Your nervous system is going through withdrawal — from physical touch, shared routines, even text messages. That’s intense.

2.       Second, don’t rush to reframe everything. You don’t need to find a silver lining right away. Let the experience be raw and real.

3.       Third, anchor yourself in your body and present moment. Go outside. Move your body. Eat something nourishing. These are small acts, but they remind your brain and body that you’re still here, still alive, and still capable of care — even if things feel shattered.

Grieving a relationship is not just about getting over someone. It’s also about grieving the loss of an imagined future together and letting go of shared plans. In time, you’ll begin to rediscover who you are without them. And though that process can be excruciating at times, it’s also a powerful opportunity for psychological growth and self-compassion. You’re not broken — you’re healing. And healing takes time, intention, and a whole lot of grace.

This content is for information purposes only and is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek advice from your GP or an appropriate medical professional if you have concerns about your health, or before commencing a new healthcare regime. If you believe that you are experiencing a medical emergency call 999 / 112 or seek emergency assistance immediately.