Temper tantrums are a fact of life with a toddler, but how can you stop yourself getting worked up when they happen? Dr Olivia Murphy, Senior Clinical Psychologist at Vhi Paediatric Clinic, is here to steer both you and your little one through those necessary “big” emotions…

Every emotion your child feels serves an important purpose: think how fear keeps us safe, or disgust keeps us from eating rotten food. Childhood is about learning to experience a wide range of emotions with varied intensities. Naturally, this means that sometimes when the intensity is overwhelming your child will lose control over their emotions and body. It can be helpful to reframe these outbursts of “negative” emotions as “big” emotions; there’s no right or wrong way to feel but we can support children when these big emotions become too overwhelming. In fact, it can be an opportunity for your little one to learn that distress will be followed by comfort. That said, sometimes those “big” emotional outpourings can be tough to handle – particularly when a toddler tantrum in a shopping centre leaves you feeling under pressure or mortified!

Tantrums tend to start during toddlerhood and is par for the course as your child develops.  It is their way of telling you they are not able to control (regulate) themselves: an attempt at managing feelings when they don’t’ have the skills or ways to express themselves yet.

There will be many occasions and reasons for these big waves of emotion. You may notice that your child’s expression of certain emotions can even evoke your own emotional reaction in return.  Let’s use this as a starting point for getting a handle on those big emotions for both of you…

1.      Pressing the pause button

In the moment, parents can often react to their child’s behaviour rather than understanding and responding to the underlying emotion.  We have all been there, a knee-jerk reaction, especially if you are tried, hungry, or under pressure. It is easy to get swept up by our own emotion, lose perspective and find it difficult to empathise with your child.

We all come from different backgrounds in terms of being parented. An automatic reaction to your child may reveal your own relationship with, and tolerance for, certain emotions. Pressing the pause is one of my favourite tools. It gives you control over being swept away by these automatic reactions. Pause and notice your body sensations, e.g. breathing rate, muscle tension, numbness, shakiness etc. You may use your breath or feel your feet on the ground to anchor yourself to the present moment. Taking a minute allows for some calm to return, thus opening up a space to empathically respond rather than react. Noticing when you need the pause button can take practice. So go easy on yourself as you try it out.

2.      Find time for self-care

Children have difficulty controlling their emotions and behaviours when they are dysregulated. This overwhelm is expressed through tantrums, i.e. “acting out” or shutting down, i.e. “withdrawing in”. The best tool you have to support your child to move into a regulated state is your own self-regulation. Children can sense how we truly feel and from a young age will imitate everything. We instinctively regulate through one another using what is called a “mirror neuron system”. So it’s very difficult to set a balanced emotional temperature when you are too busy, tired or overwhelmed yourself.

Regulation is not about getting rid of uncomfortable emotions or sensations. It is the ability to be ‘with’ uncomfortable feelings and still be alright. You may develop your own regulation skills through various methods e.g. mediation, yoga, or any ongoing self-care activities like dance, music, exercise, connecting with friends, nature or pets. Allow yourself to model healthy ways of self-regulation. It’s beneficial to let your child see how you can become frustrated or get angry in a healthy way. It’s a great learning opportunity to show your child how you regulate your own overwhelm or disappointment.

In this ever changing and busy society there is a need to prioritise compassionate self-care. People will often say “I don’t have time for that!” So I tend use the heart analogy. Our wise heart recognises the need for self-care. It pumps nourishing blood to itself first, before the rest of the body. It knows that without nourishment it will not be able to keep the body functioning. You too need space for self-care as a parent (the heart of the family) to support your own regulation before you can help support the balance your child’s emotional state.

3.      Understand the root of the tantrum

Tantrums start occurring when your child begins to have “wants” in addition to “needs”. Moving out of the infant stage, they start to move and explore the world more. They’re pushing boundaries and testing limits which leads to frustration, e.g. they may want to do things that aren’t safe.  This is the time for acknowledging their wants and frustrations while repeating the limits you have set in a calm way. Easier said than done! Toddlers can be like Duracell bunnies in terms of their persistence. It can be hard to hold the line but by being consistent they learn it’s ok to want things but there are limits to their behaviour and you will keep them safe.

At the root of any “acting out” behaviour is always an emotion.  And often, what people call “attention seeking” is a need for connection.  Your child just doesn’t have the skills to express these things yet. So, only responding to the behaviour won’t get you to the real difficulty or underlying challenge. If you can think of it like an iceberg! The tip is the behaviour. You can get to what lies beneath by pausing and asking “What is my child experiencing in this moment in their mind, body, feelings?” If possible, aim to connect with the emotion of the child. Take a step back and really think about what they may be feeling at the time.

4.      Connect before you redirect

When only the emotional part of the brain (right side) is active, we’re not going to respond to logic – at any age! If your child is upset, try to meet them on that emotional level. This will help them to soothe and calm down. I remember my child having an emotional outburst over not being able to grow a unicorn horn. Rationalising or trying to give her a biology lesson in the middle of that obviously wouldn’t have worked! Logic won’t work until we respond to the right brain’s emotional need first.

The first step is to CONNECT. Start by labelling their feelings in a non-judgemental way. However, connection requires more than kind words. Attuning to your child is done through an empathetic tone of voice, facial expression, posture, and physical touch. In this warm and affectionate way, you’re connecting with the emotional side of their brain.

At times, your child may get so overwhelmed that they need some space in order to calm. If you move away, make sure the environment is safe and that you say you are just outside the door. This lets them know that you are still emotionally present and that they are not abandoned. It is important to keep going in to check on them, each time you leave letting them know you are still outside.

Once your child has calmed, the second step is to REDIRECT. Redirect to the left side, the logical side of the brain. It’s an opportunity to sit to make meaning of their behaviour, problem-solve, and/or set boundaries with them. Figure out or make suggestions on what they can do now that they feel calmer. So you could say “I think you got really angry when X happened. These angry feelings got very big in your body and you kicked the door. I’m wondering if there are different ways to show that anger? Like stomp your feet, squeeze a ball, take space etc” . You can give a few options and practise with your child when they are calm.

5.      It’s enough just to be present

Sometimes there’s nothing you can do but be with your child during a distressing time. Being emotionally present, whether you hold them or sit beside them. It can be very hard for parents to let their kids feel these big emotions. They usually want to make everything okay again and for their child to be happy. However, if your child experiences emotions of varying intensity in the presence of a calm, nurturing adult it builds resilience. They learn that they can move through big waves of emotion.

6.      Predictability rather than perfection

Please don’t see this as a concrete checklist that you have to follow. It’s more like an invitation to try to “be” more, rather than “do” more. You’ve enough on your plate without feeling the added pressure of remembering strategies. I’m conscious of parents already questioning ‘have I messed up?” or “am I doing enough?”, so go easy on yourself. We will all make mistakes. Your child does not need you to be perfect. In order to thrive in the world they just need you to be ‘good enough’. This means predictability rather than perfection; having enough repeated experiences of connection. Being predictably (not constantly) emotionally present and connected to your child will lead to them feeling safe even when in distress. They will learn that they can manage these big waves of emotions when they come.

If you have any concerns for your child’s wellbeing or if their emotional outpourings are having a significant impact on your family, you can always seek expert support. Or if you are concerned about managing your own reactions/triggers, it may be beneficial to start the process of looking inwards to explore experiences of being parented and where present triggers have emerged from. 

There will be days where it will be impossible to support your child in the ‘ideal’ way or the way you’d like to. So, if possible draw on some self-compassion and remember ‘good enough’ really is good enough.

Access expert advice on a range of childhood conditions with a team of paediatric specialists at Vhi 360 Health Centre. 

This content is for information purposes only and is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek advice from your GP or an appropriate medical professional if you have concerns about your health, or before commencing a new healthcare regime. If you believe that you are experiencing a medical emergency call 999 / 112 or seek emergency assistance immediately.

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