As your child develops emotionally, it can be hard to help them manage all those new feelings. Dr Olivia Murphy, Senior Clinical Psychologist at Vhi 360 Health Centre Dublin, explains how you can navigate the three key early “emotional windows” to take some pressure off both you and your little one.

When we talk about your child’s emotional development we’re talking about a lot of different things, from their growing ability to recognise, express and manage emotions, to how they feel about themselves and the empathy they develop for others.

It takes in all those things we learn from our relationships. Naturally, this means that parents and caregivers have the biggest impact on early emotional development. And if you’re thinking ‘It’s all up to me’, that can bring on a lot of pressure!

To take the pressure off, remember that all you need to aim for is “good enough”, which is actually a term we use quite a lot in psychology. It’s ‘good enough’ to have predictable experiences of connection with your child. This leads them to feel safe, felt, seen, and soothed and in turn, creates a secure attachment with you. That overall feeling of ‘you get me’. ‘Good enough’ parenting ensures your child develops and thrives. It’s about being predictable, not perfect.

Our brains develop in the same general sequence. It’s a long process and doesn’t fully mature until about 25yrs. However, most of how we develop emotionally is shaped by experiences, interactions of our unique temperaments we are born with and our environment.  As such, no two children are the same; they don’t develop at exactly the same age or rate. So, it’s more helpful to think of your child in terms of their ‘emotional developmental window’ rather than a set age.

Infancy Stage

Approximately the first four-six months of a baby’s life is the co-dependency stage. At this stage, babies do not know that they are separate from their mother. They believe they are one. So as you chat with your baby and gaze at them with love, they start to build a sense of self as lovable. While they obviously won’t understand the words, they’re tuning into your tone of voice, eye contact, sensing what’s happening and starting to gauge cues for interaction. Within a couple of months your baby might start to coo, smile and respond to your communication. Infants live in a very sensory world due to the sequence of their brain development.  Through connecting or attuning to your baby via face to face interaction, eye gaze, touch, the felt sense, they learn about how the world will receive them, and whether or not they are safe. 

Infants are aware of their internal sensations and feel when they have a need, discomfort, or when they are under/over stimulated.  Even though their autonomic nervous system (involving survival instincts, fight, flight, freeze response as well as breathing and digestion) has begun developing they do not have the capacity to regulate their states. They’ll look to engage your attention, cry, display body movements as cues so you can meet their needs. This is a steep learning curve and can take a while to get to know your own baby’s cues. Every baby is different. So please allow for many mistakes, it is a normal part of the journey. For some babies it can be more difficult to read their behavioural signals, while others can differ in their ability to receive care.  

Co-regulation is the foundation for your child to learn how to self-regulate and in turn start to self-manage emotions around middle childhood.  This is the process by which babies rely on their caregiver’s engagement to calm, stimulate and relieve their distress. Your own ability to self- regulate provides the thermostat that regulates their stress response. Whether your baby needs a nappy change or some warm comfort you can never spoil a baby too much. The more you respond and hold them to reduce their distress, the more they will trust you will meet their needs.

Overall, the aim of the developmental stage in the first year of life is to build trust.  Trust and attachment grows when a child has enough repeated experiences of their emotional and physical needs being met. As you attune to your baby a positive relational template is being created for subsequent relationships throughout their life.

Again, you’ll be learning as you go, and you can’t always be in connection with your baby. There will be many moments of misattunement or ‘ruptures’ in your relationship over their lifetime. What really matters is that you follow up a rupture with a repair within an appropriate timeframe. You may misread a cue or get distracted by the doorbell during feeding and leave your baby down crying (rupture). These micro-stressors can be followed by a repair such as retuning to feed, an engaging smile, mutual gaze, soft voice and holding. As long as you come back and reconnect and soothe your baby (repair), they will learn that they can survive the momentary stress of waiting until you return.  Repair following a rupture teaches your baby that when something distressing happens it will be followed by comfort. In terms of emotional development, this helps build resilience.

Toddler Stage

Moving into the early toddler stage, their needs turn into wants. You’ll start having to set limits and see that your child can get irritated about that – which is good! They’re learning to handle the different emotions that come with wanting more autonomy. They will want to explore the world more but it’s also the time where you might see some separation anxiety. They are more aware that you can leave them now. However, as you leave them with a trusted adult and consistently come back, it strengthens the sense of security in your relationship.

As your child moves into the older toddler stage, I often call this the ‘feeling’ stage. At this age, your child’s right side of the brain (which deals with sensory information, emotions and non-verbal communication) is still more developed than the left (the logical, literal and language side of the brain). Therefore, your child understands the world more on an emotional level, without much logic and lives completely in the moment.

People refer to this stage as the terrible twos. Tantrums can and will occur around the ages of two and three, when their words aren’t fully developed and they’re using body language to let you know if they’re feeling overwhelmed. You’ll start to hear lots of “NO” as they strive for more independence. They’ll have short attention spans and not much safety awareness. As they push the boundaries to try and get what they want (e.g. sweets before dinner), try to empathise and name their feelings while holding a gentle but firm line. This will give the message that is that it’s ok to feel and to have wants while learning that there are limits on their behaviour.

Explosive tantrums are a great opportunity for building your child’s confidence in managing emotions. If you can stay present, letting your child ride the wave of their overwhelming emotion and support them to calm, your child develops the sense that they can manage these big waves of emotions without falling apart. It builds their emotional resilience.

Pre-school Stage

The next developmental window will be pre-schoolers who are learning to use language a little bit more. They’re starting to build emotional regulation in a very small way. They’ll still have extremely limited self-control but they’re learning to manage feelings. You may notice an increase in using language to regulate their emotions. Connecting with your child’s emotion and naming their experience can help scaffold this process. 

It is often the time when new babies arrive to the home. Any big life changes like these can give rise to many messy emotions e.g anger, loss with joy. You may see these emotions being expressed through behaviour. Connecting to the emotion underlying the behaviour, naming it and giving permission to your child to feel any and all emotion it’s another step to support their emotional development. 

They’ll have great imaginations around this time, which can lead to develop fears around animals or imaginary monsters. You’ll also see them get really upset about their “things” because it’s a time when they still believe objects have feelings.

You’ll notice an increase in expression of emotions in their play.  As they reach about 4 years old, play will involve more of a story and they start to play out possible scenarios with friends and family. They will use play to process their daily experiences. They also start to gain insights into the feelings of others. Through play they have the opportunity to try out different roles and take on different perspectives. The ability to hold two perspectives at once is the start of developing a capacity for empathy. Play is a wonderful and fun way to connect with your child and to give them the opportunity to lead in their world of play.

It won’t be until school age when this develops further, as they are immersed in more complex social situations. As they become more logical in their thinking, they learn from copying your emotional skills and relationships. As they go out into the world, provide a space to work things out, offering guidance and support before jumping in to solve any discord. This way you continue to be that safe “scaffolding” around them. This allows your child to develop the sense that they have the ability to move through difficult times and navigate a social environment.

Trust the process – and yourself

Remember, you’re the expert on your child, so if you have any concerns about how they are developing emotionally, trust your intuition. There’s no harm in getting it checked by a professional. You may just have some questions or be looking to seek support if aspects of your child’s emotional development is impacting on family life or their ability to engage in their daily activities. I would always say to parents, go with your gut.

In general, try not to put too much pressure on yourself or your child. We can’t maintain an intense emotional connection with anyone, even our own child, all the time. So, there will be times when you miss a cue or don’t understand exactly what they’re going through, or get overwhelmed by your own emotions. Look at it as part of a wider process. That momentary “rupture” is vital to building a trusting relationship. What matters most is that there is a follow-up where you can “repair” within an appropriate period. Your child will learn and gain emotional resilience from knowing that they are safe, stable in their relationship, and develop a sense that they can move through a difficult time..

In all my years working with parents, I know that each caregiver is doing the best they can within each unique situation that they find themselves in. We never know what life is going throw at us. You may have had a bumpy start for various reasons and feel you were unable to respond consistently to your baby’s needs. If you have concerns remember repair is always possible. The attachment system is forgiving and if needed you can get on a recovery pathway with the right support.

You won’t have all the answers- and thankfully you are not meant to. The greatest gift you can give your child is to be predictably present, remain curious about their internal world and most of all revel in the joy and warmth of your relationship. 
 

Vhi members can access our 360 Health Centre and meet with paediatric specialists to discuss anything to do with their child's health.

This content is for information purposes only and is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek advice from your GP or an appropriate medical professional if you have concerns about your health, or before commencing a new healthcare regime. If you believe that you are experiencing a medical emergency call 999 / 112 or seek emergency assistance immediately.

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