We all talk harshly to ourselves every now and again. But can perimenopause and menopause increase the likelihood? Are there ways to curb our negative self-talk? Vhi Clinical Psychologist, Dr Ruth McIntyre, sat down to answer our questions and provide actionable tips.

What is negative self-talk?  

Self-talk is how people speak to themselves, usually with what’s known as their ‘inner voice’. When we speak to ourselves in a critical, judgemental or unkind way, this is negative self-talk. Negative self-talk can also include worries about the future and ruminations about the past. Everyone experiences negative self-talk from time to time, however, for some people it can be very harsh and can have a negative impact on their wellbeing and sense of self. 

Where does negative self-talk come from?

Negative self-talk will look different for everybody and can be focused on various aspects of our lives. This could be our work/performance, relationships, appearance, abilities or personality, and can impact the way we feel and the way we behave. For some people, their negative self-talk habits might stem from experiences they had early in life, such as receiving little warmth or affection as a child, not fitting in at school, or being bullied. These early experiences can lead to certain beliefs about the self and others being formed, which can lead to the development of coping strategies to deal with these experiences and associated beliefs. Negative self-talk or self-criticism is an example of this sort of coping strategy, which is intended to be protective but can have negative consequences.

Are there other factors during perimenopause and menopause that will naturally impact confidence?

Many factors can knock a woman’s confidence and self-esteem during perimenopause and menopause. For example, if you’ve always prided yourself on being efficient at work and felt confident in your ways of working, and you suddenly have to deal with your body and brain functioning differently than before, you’re undoubtedly going to find this difficult. Some women might blame themselves for performing differently at work, when it’s completely natural and out of their hands. Dr McIntyre discusses how women might try to combat this by working harder or longer hours, but this behaviour is only going to make things feel worse.

Similarly, maybe you find yourself getting fatigued quicker in the gym or while out walking. It’s understandable that this might bring up uncomfortable feelings about your physical abilities, however, don’t let this knock your confidence. Acknowledge that fatigue is common during perimenopause and menopause; listen to your body and consider what it needs. This might involve temporarily tweaking your exercise so that you are still being physically active, but in a way that feels good. You may also want to prioritise rest, relaxation and nurturing your body in more gentle ways such as yoga or pilates.

It’s important that women become familiar with all the possible psychological side effects of perimenopause and menopause, such as brain fog, difficulty with memory and concentration, and fatigue - so that they understand it’s completely normal if their capacity for work or activities changes. Find ways to work around this that are helpful for you. Maybe take extra breaks throughout the day, get more air throughout the day, have more snacks during the workday, try earlier bedtimes, or discuss flexible work hours with your manager.

Women often juggle many moving parts in life, and when perimenopause and menopause hit and the hormonal changes make them feel overwhelmed, they sometimes question why they can no longer handle things like before. Often this is when negative self-talk kicks in. Dr McIntyre explains that while it is not a bad thing to set standards and expectations for ourselves, how we respond to ourselves when we fall short of these expectations is what really matters. Responding to ourselves in a critical or judgemental manner can have a negative impact on our mental health and wellbeing, whereas responding with kindness and compassion can be much more helpful.

How can women overcome negative self-talk? Are there tools they can use day-to-day?

The first step is to bring awareness to your negative self-talk and to notice any triggers for it as well as the feelings, behaviours and bodily sensations associated with it. Once you’re aware that you’re engaging in negative self-talk, you can begin to overcome your habit. One method Dr McIntyre describes is to take one of your negative thoughts and think about whether there is another way to look at the situation at hand; what would you say to a friend in the same situation? If you were feeling less stressed or anxious, would you be saying something different to yourself? What would your future self say to you if looking back on the situation? This method can be particularly useful for women that have the same kind of negative thought patterns over and over again.

Another approach is to simply recognise your negative self-talk for what it is - just a thought. Just because we have a thought, negative or otherwise, does not mean it’s true or that we need to pay attention to it. It’s purely an event that is happening in our minds. This is changing your relationship with your thoughts. Dr McIntyre suggests stepping back and acknowledging your negative thoughts as nothing but an idea or story that your mind has created; you can then choose whether to pay attention to it or not – this is the important part. It’s when we pay attention to a negative thought that it starts to impact how we feel and what we do or don’t do. Breaking the habit of negative self-talk can take some time and effort, but Dr McIntyre says it’s important to remember it is a habit, which means it can be changed. It’s also helpful to remember that although our thoughts come and go with us having limited control over them, we do have control over our behaviours. Focusing your attention on a valued action or something that is important to you can be a useful strategy in dealing with negative self-talk.

Does your lifestyle play a role in combating negative self-talk?

Yes. Getting enough sleep and exercise and eating a balanced diet are considered ‘good health behaviours’, and feed into how we feel and think. For instance, getting good sleep sets us up to feel less stressed throughout the day, and feeling less stressed may mean we’re less inclined to engage in negative self-talk. Dr McIntyre explains that getting our diet, exercise and sleep right puts us in a better position to think in a more helpful way. The tricky part is, of course, that all three areas are impacted by perimenopause and menopause both directly and indirectly. 

When is it time to seek advice?

Dr McIntyre says women should seek advice from their healthcare provider immediately if they feel their level of negative self-talk is:

• Something they can’t handle alone
• Having a severe impact on their mood
• Stopping them from engaging in their life in ways they usually would 
• Still an issue after trying the tips listed above to do with exercise, balanced diet and sleep.

What should women do if they are surrounded by friends that partake in negative self-talk?

It’s common for groups of women to speak about the things they’d like to change about themselves, be it in passing comments or discussions about the clothes they no longer feel comfortable in, for example. And while this might be the norm for your group of friends, Dr McIntyre recommends starting a discussion about why these conversations may not be helpful. Approach the conversation in a non-judgemental, kind, or even humorous tone, and say something like “We tend to speak about ourselves poorly, does anyone think it could be negatively impacting our mindset or mood when we do?” Perhaps it’s just switching the narrative slightly, so you and your friends still discuss the worries or insecurities you have, but in a less negative way that feels helpful. Remember you can’t always change other people’s behaviour but you can acknowledge and express your own needs and feelings.

This blog has hopefully helped you better understand negative self-talk and all the ways you can learn to think more compassionately about your perimenopause or menopause journey. Your negative self-talk doesn’t define you, but the efforts you’re making to get through this time of change will play a big part, and you should feel proud.

This content is for information purposes only and is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek advice from your GP or an appropriate medical professional if you have concerns about your health, or before commencing a new healthcare regime. If you believe that you are experiencing a medical emergency call 999 / 112 or seek emergency assistance immediately. 

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