At some point, most parents will have experienced their child pushing them away when they call out for someone else to carry them to bed or play with them. But, if you’re a first-time parent, and it’s becoming a new trend at home, it can cause feelings of rejection and frustration. Vhi senior clinical and health psychologist, Dr Karen Keogh, explains why this can be common for some children, and why parents don’t need necessarily to worry about it impacting the relationship with their child. 

Disclaimer: For simplicity and clarity, we’ll use the terms ‘preferred parent’ and ‘other parent’ throughout the blog, but please note that these are not scientific or psychological terms. Another non-scientific term that you may come across online is ‘parental preference’. 

Understanding why children may have favourites 

It can be hurtful as a parent to have your child turn their back and insist they want someone else to help them or spend time with them. This is particularly true if you’re a first-time parent. But there are reasons children do this, and they don’t always have anything to do with your child’s love for you. It’s not always a reflection on you as a parent or something to take personally.

The psychological theory of attachment is one way of understanding why children seem to have “favourites” from time to time. This theory suggests that, as human beings, we instinctively prioritise survival, especially during our earliest years when we’re most vulnerable. Since babies and young children rely entirely on others for their needs, they naturally form strong bonds with their caregivers as a way to ensure their wellbeing and survival. Babies need others to get all their needs met. If a baby or child feels in danger or under stress (whether it’s due to hunger, fear, pain, or tiredness), their attachment system kicks in and prompts ‘attachment behaviours’. These behaviours are triggered because the child needs to be looked after or protected and is trying to communicate this. These behaviours can include things like crying, calling out and wanting to be close to the caregiver or parent. When the caregiver or parent responds to these behaviours with warmth and attention, and meets the child’s needs most of the time, it forms a sense of security with the baby and nurtures the bond between parent and child. This is where a secure attachment is formed.

When it comes to a preference for a certain parent (or other person), a child might naturally gravitate towards the parent who most often meets their needs, soothes them, or does the things they enjoy or need at that stage of their lives. Or, it could simply be that one parent has more available time for positive interactions with the child. Children might change their ‘favourite’ parent lots of times as they grow up and that’s perfectly normal. It’s all part of a child’s development and doesn’t mean things will always be that way.

Attachment as a child grows

When a baby is born, for the first six weeks of life, they are beginning to develop attachments to their caregivers. From six weeks to about seven months, a deeper bond starts to develop between the baby and the primary caregiver (which is normally the stay-at-home parent/caregiver if there is one), the secondary caregiver (generally the non-stay-at-home-parent/caregiver, if there is one), and also other people in the child’s life. It can be at around one-year-old, as a child’s development progresses, that babies can begin to ‘favour’ a certain person. This is typically the primary caregiver. However, children can, and do, have multiple attachment figures including siblings, grandparents, other relatives, child-minders and so on.

The role of personality and development

Outside of attachment theory, a stronger preference for one parent can come from other areas, such as personality styles, or your child simply enjoying certain types of interactions more at different developmental stages. For instance, broadly speaking, dads are often the primary ‘rough-and-tumble play’ figures and mums are the more nurturing and soothing figures. So, it’s natural that your child can have a preference for mum or dad (or others) depending on where they are developmentally, what their needs are at a particular time, or just due to their personality and preference for a style of play or interacting.

As your child continues to develop, especially into toddlerhood, they begin to develop their own sense of autonomy and independence. They begin to want to control their world more, and understand that they can. A vital part of this autonomy is making choices and saying things like, “No, I want mummy” or “Can I go with daddy instead?” This is completely normal! Not only will a child’s ‘favourite’ probably change over time (potentially numerous times), but if you have other children, their favouritism could follow a completely different pattern; your first child might only want mum to dress them in the mornings, and your second might only want dad to dress them in the mornings.

Working together to handle favouritism

If you’re not a first-time parent, you’ll probably be well-versed in children having “favourites” and understand that it’s nothing to take personally. In fact, you might revel in the times that your partner is the one being called for as it gives you a few minutes free! But if it’s your first child, it can be easy to have your feelings hurt. Here’s how a couple can work together to handle any parental preference or favouritism: 

• Sit down together and discuss what’s happening. Is a lot of the burden falling to one parent because of the favouritism? For instance, if your child won’t allow one parent to change their nappy or give them a bath, are any behaviours reinforcing those patterns? Have you settled into this routine and stopped trying to take turns?
• If this is the case, you need to have a united front as a couple, in a sensitive and compassionate way. You can do this by being firm but kind with your child, whilst also validating their experience e.g., “Yes, I see you’re upset about mum giving you your bath and that you want daddy. I can see your big emotions about it and that’s okay. But mum will still be giving you your bath this time.” This way, you’re validating how they feel and allowing them to have their preference, but you’re setting a boundary as a parent.
• It can be helpful for the ‘preferred’ parent to step aside sometimes, and allow the relationship between the other parent and the child to flourish a bit. It’s important for parents to share the load as much as possible when it comes to the less fun tasks of childcare, like bath time and mealtimes, and to allow your child to get used to both caregivers doing these things.
• Both parents need to remain as calm and regulated as they can in these situations. It’s perfectly okay for you to feel hurt or frustrated if your child always asks for your partner, but try to keep an understanding and positive tone when you’re talking to your child about it.

If you’re the parent who is currently the ‘favourite’, you can help your partner with their feelings of rejection. Remind them how this is a typically just a stage of development for a child and may have no reflection on them as a parent. 

Dealing with things as the ‘other’ parent

•  It can be helpful for the ‘other’ parent to re-frame some of what’s happening and focus on the positive fact that it’s a wonderful thing that your child feels so safe and comfortable with someone in the home. Acknowledge that while that may not be you right now, patterns change, and it may be you at another stage.
• Know that being the ‘other’ parent can actually be a sign of your child having a secure attachment to you; they don’t feel they need to cling to you to create an attachment. It can be a really positive indicator that they’re securely attached to you and know they can ‘choose’ more time with someone else for now.
• Keep in mind that this will all likely change in time, and it might be wise to enjoy these moments where you can have a cup of tea during bath time or get some things ticked off your list!
• You can proactively look at how you interact with your child and the quality of your relationship and attachment. The foundation of a secure attachment is attuning to and meeting our child’s needs, to help them feel safe and loved. Sometimes those needs are for fun and play with their parents! Maybe you’ve usually done bath time or mealtimes; you can switch these tasks with your partner or block out time each day to literally get down on the floor and play with your child.
• Do the things with your children that they enjoy (even if you don’t!). This is possibly the best piece of parenting advice, and it applies from birth to adulthood! When they’re teenagers, maybe you’ll find yourself attending concerts with them, of bands you’ve never heard of before!
• Even with the knowledge that favouritism is totally normal, it’s okay if you’re really struggling because of it. In this case, it’s worthwhile speaking to your healthcare provider for support. There’s always an attentive ear when you need it. Remember, this is nothing personal and not a negative reflection of who you are as a parent. 

This content is for information purposes only and is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek advice from your GP or an appropriate medical professional if you have concerns about your health, or before commencing a new healthcare regime. If you believe that you are experiencing a medical emergency call 999 / 112 or seek emergency assistance immediately.

Meet our Vhi Verified Expert