The arrival of a new baby can impact your relationship with your partner in many ways. Some changes can be as welcome as your bundle of joy, and others might be trickier to accept. Vhi senior clinical and health psychologist, Dr Karen Keogh, explains what may be at the root of any changing dynamics, and what couples can do to manage the transition. 

Understanding why having a baby may change relationship dynamics

Becoming a new parent is a time of change and life transition, and this change can sometimes impact our relationship with our partner too.

When a new baby arrives (especially a first baby), some couples might find their relationship has a deepened connection, with a newfound level of respect, admiration and closeness. For some couples, it’s also possible that their relationship may be affected in less affirmative ways. Any changes in dynamics are very individual and will depend on each couple and their unique relationship.

There are a number of reasons why having a new baby can change relationship dynamics, but here are some common factors:

•  For birth mums, perinatal (during and after pregnancy) biological changes are often at play, such as hormonal changes, and your midwife or GP are best placed to advise on these.  
• In addition, for both first-time mums and dads, an ‘identity change’ happens; the shift of becoming a parent for the first time. You’re no longer just responsible for yourself, you are now responsible for a baby. Now, you’re a parent. Sometimes, this shift in identity can happen at different times for partners. For example, it can be a bit earlier for ums (e.g. during their pregnancy) and can happen a little later on for dads (e.g. after the baby is born). If there’s a slight mismatch between partners in embracing and juggling this new parental identity, it can cause some strain and tension in relationships.
•  When becoming a first-time parent, lots of the other roles and identities in life can also change; going from working full time to becoming a stay-at-home parent, for instance. This can bring a big change in the “mental load” and the number of responsibilities that are placed on a parent. It calls on couples to think, “How do we negotiate these changes as a couple and share the mental load? How do we make sure we support each other and stay on the same page?” It adds a brand new layer to relationship dynamics.
• The physical aspects of becoming a new parent can also impact relationship dynamics too. Most parents are suddenly getting much less sleep, and there is less time for things like romance, intimacy and positive social interactions. The reality is, a new baby takes up the majority of your time for a while. The things that keep relationships healthy, like dates, intimacy and quality time alone, require a lot more effort from both of you.

The ways couples may see their relationship change

It’s individual to each couple how their relationship will be impacted by the arrival of their baby. About 25% up to 30% of couples see their relationship improve when their new baby comes along. These couples can feel closer as a family unit, feel increased love and respect for each other, report a decrease in conflict, and more confidence in their commitment to one another.

Some couples, however, can find a new baby can impact on their relationship in less positive ways, but that the impact is completely manageable and that they can work through it and adjust to any difficulties. Other couples might find the changes are more difficult to adapt to and they may need resources and additional supports like couples therapy, to balance the transition of becoming new parents and maintaining a healthy relationship.

Both partners can experience and process these relationship changes differently. And some of these changes can be part of the natural process of a long-term relationship anyway (and having children or not). However, these changes can happen at a more sudden rate for new parents. The trends are mixed, of course. But generally, there are some patterns that can be seen;

• For women, any negative changes to their relationship can be felt quite quickly after the arrival of baby. Some women report a decrease in their relationship quality and functioning, and an increase in conflict and poor communication.
• For men, there can be a sense of increased conflict, and a decrease in satisfaction and dedication to the relationship.
• For same-sex or non-heteronormative couples with a new baby, there can be different or additional impacts, aside from what’s already been mentioned, and these can also affect relationship dynamics by creating added pressure or stress.

The role of parental leave in changing relationship dynamics

Parental/other partner leave can play a big part in relationships dynamics after a new baby arrives. For instance, in heterosexual couples, there’s clear data around the importance of fathers taking parental leave. If a father takes parental leave, there is evidence to suggest this decreases the risk of a relationship breakdown after a baby is born. There are lots of reasons this may be the case, such as seeing the burden the longer-term stay-at-home-parent is under, the father being present more to provide emotional support and share the workload, and allowing the other parent more time to care for their own needs.

Things to do during pregnancy to help protect relationship dynamics

Open communication is the most important factor here. Couples should be really clear, with themselves and each other, about their hopes and expectations around being parents, and the values that matter most to them. For first-time parents in particular, it’s vital to educate yourselves about the realities of being a parent. It is a forever job that naturally requires changes to your identity and your roles, as discussed above. Some points to consider discussing as parents-to-be may include:

• How will you manage stress as a couple?
• What your communication processes and styles will be like?
• What things work for you and what things don’t?
• What you need to cope and what is supportive for you? These could be very different to what your partner needs.

Discovering you and your partner have different parenting styles

As your baby grows, you and your partner might discover you have different parenting styles. The first step here is to recognise there is a difference. Next, it’s good to sit down and openly discuss what these differences are, and what both your values are. You’ll need to find compromises that you both feel will be good for your family. Together, find the parenting style that you know will best serve your baby. This can be hard work and require some difficult conversations but remember there is no guilt or shame in it, and you’re both just trying your best. There are always supports available if you need them, individually, or together as a couple. 

Changes in sex life

Again, it’s highly individual whether new parents will experience a change in their sex lives after a new baby arrives. For many, their sex life can improve; there can be increased closeness and intimacy in a relationship, after having a baby together. Some couples can discover different and new ways to be physically intimate, which can improve their overall emotional intimacy and relationship functioning. For about 50% of people, there can be a decrease or change in their sex life, due to tiredness and having less time. A decrease in frequency of sex won’t be a problem for all couples, but when it is, communication is key. Discuss expectations, how important sex is to your relationship, and what other ways work for you both to be close and intimate.

Nurturing your relationship once the baby comes

First off, try to take time together to find joy in your wonderful new arrival! It’s understandable to feel overwhelmed becoming a parent for the first time, but try to take moments to step back with your partner and marvel at the privilege you have to raise this little baby together. These moments may need to be planned or scheduled. Can you have someone call for a half hour or longer just to give you and your partner time to enjoy a coffee or a walk together? Small moments of togetherness can make all the difference. Also try to find moments to just be a couple, and focus on each other and your relationship, and not just the baby.

Secondly, watch how you talk to one another, especially when tensions are high and when you’re stressed or tired. At these times, it can be easy to be short-tempered and say things that you’ll regret. As best as you can, try to be mindful about how you communicate with one another; being as compassionate, warm and non-critical as possible. Speak to one another as you would your close friends, and be ready to give and receive apologies when needed.

It’s likely that your relationship may change once your new baby arrives, but you can both adjust and evolve naturally to the process. As humans, we’re wired for adaptation. Your relationship can change to suit your new lifestyle and new identities as parents, and you both may find new and beautiful meanings in family life.

This content is for information purposes only and is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek advice from your GP or an appropriate medical professional if you have concerns about your health, or before commencing a new healthcare regime. If you believe that you are experiencing a medical emergency call 999 / 112 or seek emergency assistance immediately.

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