It’s important for women in menopause to prioritise their wellbeing. Being compassionate and caring toward yourself, rather than critical and judgmental, is a key part of that. Vhi Clinical Psychologist, Dr Ruth McIntyre, explains where self-compassion comes from, how it can be learned, and easy ways to add it to your daily practices. 

What is self-compassion?

Compassion is a sensitivity or sympathy to distress or suffering, with a desire to alleviate that distress. Self-compassion is to direct compassion to oneself. Self-compassion includes care for both the body and the mind. It encompasses:

• Mindfulness and being aware of what’s going on in your life, through your thoughts, your emotions, your body and your behaviours. Think about what you’re experiencing, how you feel about the changes of menopause, and how you’d like to manoeuvre them. Don’t judge yourself for feeling angry or upset. Mindfulness can help you take a more balanced approach to the positive and negative things that happen during this time.
• Recognising the common human experience; we all face challenges and difficult times at different stages of our lives. If we think about the fact that we don’t experience difficult times in isolation, but as a natural part of life, it can help us to understand hardship and the need for compassion.
• Self-kindness and being caring toward your overall wellbeing. This means being warm and understanding with yourself when you fall short or react in a way you wish you hadn’t, rather than trying to ignore it or be self-critical. Treat yourself the way you’d treat a friend.

Is it something people are inherently good at, or can we learn how to be better at it?

Self-compassion will come easier to some people, and Dr McIntyre explains this is most likely due to how they’ve developed and the experiences they’ve had in life. But self-compassion can be learned and practised like any skill. So, if self-compassion doesn’t come naturally to you, there are plenty of ways to get better at it.

Why do you think some women in menopause struggle to have self-compassion?

There are lots of barriers to self-compassion in life, and Dr McIntyre explains that they aren’t unique to menopause. Throughout life, people will experience different barriers; some might think they don’t deserve to be kind to themselves, and others might find it weak or indulgent to be kind to themselves. These blocks will be unique to each person and will need some thought about what could be causing them. For example, some women might believe they aren’t dealing with menopause well enough, and feel that rather than having self-compassion, they need to just ‘handle it better’. Unfortunately, judging yourself in this way can prevent you from recognising and responding to your needs in a supportive way. Courage is an important component of self-compassion, and while it may be difficult to do, acknowledging that you are struggling can be a truly self-compassionate act.

Can proactively practising self-compassion better equip women to deal with other symptoms of menopause?  

Practising self-compassion can be useful in dealing with emotions associated with changes to identity and sense of self that may occur during menopause. When being self-compassionate, you can better accept your feelings, like sadness over the loss of youth or fertility, or irritability due to lack of sleep and fluctuating hormones. You will be kinder to yourself and less judgemental of how you’re feeling throughout the emotional changes of menopause. Dr McIntyre explains this makes it more likely for you to process these emotions and allow them to pass by as understandable reactions rather than them viewing them as problematic.

Self-compassion also helps women tolerate their difficult emotions and offer themselves warmth, care and kindness. This can have a positive impact on relationships with others. For example, if you find that you’re less tolerant with others than before, self-compassion puts you in a mindset of being more understanding and patient. It will also support you in acknowledging your needs and feelings and communicating them to those around you.

How can women practise better self-compassion?

Becoming more self-compassionate starts with your attitude and intention to be kinder to yourself. Self-compassion requires us to mindfully accept difficult or painful experiences before responding with kindness. Realise that menopause can be a difficult time in life, and although every woman experiences it, that doesn’t mean you need to just ‘get on with it’―you deserve to care for yourself and your mental health during this time. Some exercises you can do include:

• Guiding the day with self-compassion: when you wake each day, think about how you can guide your day ahead with a compassionate mindset. Maybe you notice you’re feeling exhausted that morning and decide you’ll go to bed earlier tonight. Think about ‘acts of care’ that you can do that day that are self-compassionate.
• Taking time out each day: allow yourself to develop positive feelings through things like meditation, yoga, and breathing exercises. Breath work can settle your senses and allow you to take a moment to soothe your system.
• Focus on your self-talk: consider how you speak to yourself each day and ask yourself is it how you would speak to a friend. If not, and you realise you take part in a lot of negative self-talk, try to address this. Try to find different ways to think about the moment that is triggering the negative self-talk. Read our blog about negative self-talk during perimenopause and menopause for tips on this.
• Comfort your body: eat nutritious food, find time for a nap, book a massage, have a bath, do some stretches.
• Physical touch: if you’re in the middle of a tough situation, try placing a hand on your own arm or chest as you would for a loved one in distress. Focus on the warmth and pressure of the contact. You could take a moment to acknowledge that what is happening is difficult, but that you can give yourself kindness, comfort and encouragement and that you’ll get through it.
• Journaling: writing down your thoughts about yourself can be easier for some people, rather than trying to process it all in your mind. Journaling is a useful way of understanding the root cause of your thoughts and feelings, and to find more compassionate ways of looking at the situation. 

Why is it important to have self-compassion during this life stage for women?

For many women, the stage of life at which menopause happens is rife with other challenges; teenage kids (who come with their own mixed bag of hormones!), grown up kids moving out of home, seniority at work, ageing parents that may need extra care, along with a range of other responsibilities. When you add menopause to this mix, it’s understandable that women’s overall wellbeing can take a hit. Having self-compassion during this time can help women cope, have more resilience and feel more able to handle the challenges that life presents them with. Of course, you might still have feelings of being overwhelmed, but you will be in a better position to respond to your feelings and to consider what you need to support yourself at this time.  

Aside from this, Dr McIntyre explains that during this stage of life, it’s important to think about our values and what matters to us and why. Use this time as an opportunity to check in with your values about what’s truly important to you and use them to guide your actions. Living our lives in line with our values helps us to cope with difficult times and to consider what’s in our best interests ―this is also self-compassion.

What should women do if they are struggling with their emotional symptoms and self-compassion?

If you feel that you need some support, or you don’t feel well in yourself during menopause you should visit your healthcare provider and discuss treatment. If you need help for emotional symptoms, such as negative self-talk or lack of self-compassion, your healthcare provider will advise on the best options available for this. Courage is an important component of self-compassion so recognising that you may need support can be an important first step in developing a more self-compassionate mindset.  

We’re all believers in the value and need to be kind to others, but it can be harder to extend this to ourselves. Menopause is a time of big change, and you deserve to look after yourself in the same way you do your loved ones.

This content is for information purposes only and is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek advice from your GP or an appropriate medical professional if you have concerns about your health, or before commencing a new healthcare regime. If you believe that you are experiencing a medical emergency call 999 / 112 or seek emergency assistance immediately. 

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