Welcoming a second child into your family is as big a deal for your firstborn as it is for you. To help everyone get off on the right foot, Vhi Midwife Support Service Manager Breda Crotty takes you through the journey from breaking the news to nurturing a bond.

While the prospect of growing your family may be a positive one, it can raise a whole host of questions for everyone – especially your firstborn! It can take time for an older child to adapt to having a new baby in the house. There will be new challenges and dynamics to deal with but, with the right approach, you can navigate past sibling rivalry to reach sibling harmony.

Broaching the big news

Pick a time when you feel most comfortable and confident to have the chat. I would generally advise having it as early as possible, once your initial risk period has passed. That means waiting until around 12-14 weeks when the baby’s placenta has formed and you know things are progressing nicely.

You can lay some groundwork to make your child amenable to the idea of having a new sibling. Start by introducing the topic in a more general way. This could involve bringing up the fact that another adult in their life has had a new baby. Maybe there’s a new cousin in the family, or they have friends who have younger brothers and sisters. Gauge how they feel about babies and the changes they can bring. This will ensure the idea isn’t totally new to them and that you know their attitude and potential concerns.

Once you’ve told them, focus on the positives of having a new baby in the home. By the same token, it’s important not to sugar coat things. Giving them a clear understanding of the changes to come will mean they won’t be in for surprises later.

Taking age into consideration

Naturally, you’ll tailor the information based on their level of maturity. If your child is below the age of 2, they will have a limited comprehension of what’s happening. You can still talk to them about the new addition in positive terms. Get them used to words like “sister”, “brother” or “new baby” with relevant picture books. Their young age should help them adapt quickly.

It can be a bigger deal for children beyond that age; they might feel unsure about having another child around. Everything you say should be done so with love, reassurance, and cuddles. Remember that time doesn’t really mean anything to a younger child. So, when you’re talking about when to expect the baby, try to relate it to a big event like a loved one’s birthday or Santa coming. For slightly older or school age children, you can stress how important they’ll be in taking care of the new baby, giving them a role and sense of grown-up responsibility.

Preparing them for the arrival

From feeling the bump for baby kicks and movements to listening to a heartbeat, try to include your child as much as possible. You can get them used to how newborns act by visiting friends or family with babies. Show them photos of themselves as a baby and talk about how much they’ve grown since they were that size. Then involve them in the practical preparations as much as you can – whether it’s taking them shopping for baby clothes or getting their input on names.

Try to avoid other major changes in your child’s life. They’ll need stability as they process this journey. So, for example don’t start potty training them the week before you’re due to go into hospital. Pick your moments carefully, based on how they seem to be handling things.

Ahead of the hospital stay, many parents will be thinking ‘I’ve never been away from them for this long, how will they manage?’. You can prepare yourself by focusing on the fact that they’ll be in the capable hands of a loved one. Then explain to them that you’ll only be gone for a few days, they’ll be with a loved one, and that you’ll be bringing back a very special person. Really, it’s all about constant reassurance.

Handling their first meeting

That first visit will be important. Try to have them at the top of the visitor list so that they know what an important part of the family they are. Giving them a gift “from” the new baby is a simple but effective icebreaker. It will help the older child realise that this little person isn’t a threat and kickstart the bonding process. When they arrive, spend some time telling them how much you’ve missed them and give them a cuddle. That’ll come naturally after your time apart! But just remember to have your hands free as they enter so you embrace them straight away. Then it’s time to bring them over to the cot. From your end, don’t expect too much from their interaction. It’s totally fine if it’s not the emotional, joyous moment you imagined. A bond may not happen immediately but it will come in time, so remind yourself that this is just one part of the process.

Involving the older sibling at home

The relationship can really begin once your hospital stay is over and you bring the baby home. You might want to tell them that babies sleep a lot – and cry a lot! – so they know what to expect. They’ll probably be curious about other things, from nappy changing to feeding, so talk them through it as you go. Toddlers will often try to climb up onto their mother’s lap while they’re feeding and that’s absolutely fine. Just be mindful of your own health and have your partner nearby if you’re worried about things like C-section wounds or getting an accidental kick. Bath time is particularly good for getting them involved in baby care. Baths can bring some fun to proceedings and there are ample opportunities to make the older child feel useful, even if it’s a small task like getting them to bring you soap or a towel. Praise them for their help and assure them that they’re taking great care of their new sibling.

Dedicating time to your firstborn

New parents will be so busy and tired that a conscious effort is required to really include the older child in the everyday routine. Putting dedicated one-on-one time into the calendar helps. They’ll be used to these interactions, so any change to this routine can lead to uncertainty and anxiety. When I was a young mother, I would always take the older child on a trip into town, just the two of us. Make a fuss of them and let them know that the occasion is just as important to you.

The activity or location can be tailored to their preferences so they get a real sense of continuity. The takeaway message for them will be that they’re still as important as always and that not everything has changed. If you have a partner, they can have their own scheduled one-to-ones.

This can be a good time to get a feel for how they’re managing emotionally and address any concerns. But have fun; it doesn’t have to be all about the new baby. Outside of one-to-ones, be conscious of maintaining your child’s routine while you work around your new baby’s needs.

Dealing with challenging behaviour

It’s quite common for younger kids to act out. Don’t be surprised if they get angry about a baby’s crying and start complaining about their presence in general. These outbursts need to be managed in a careful manner. Try not to respond with anger or frustration yourself; instead, speak to them with calmness and understanding. They are merely expressing their feelings of anxiety. When the heightened emotions pass, talk through it with them. Explain to them that this stage will pass and, pretty soon, their sibling will be able to run around and play with them. Present things in a positive light.

The best advice I could give any parent is that it’s not just verbal communication that you will rely on, it’s communication on all levels. Look for behaviour cues, their body stance, and any similar changes. Being conscious of those things can help you step in before things escalate and offer support and guidance while they adapt.

You might also see regressive behaviour from toddlers as they deal with these changes. They’ll revert to earlier behaviours or slip backwards in their progress as a call for help. If that happens, don’t panic! Try to identify what’s causing that distress. Has the baby been requiring a huge amount of your time and attention? Have you been sick and somewhat unavailable? Once you get to the root of it, you can reassure them in the correct manner. Speaking to an expert can help provide you with the right guidance.

Trust your instincts

While there will be challenges, remember that every young family faces them. When my children were small, I’d often wonder to myself: ‘am I handling this the right way?’. Nobody has all the answers, but I can look at my adult children now with a sense of pride. Ultimately, you’ve got to trust your instincts. Pay attention to your child’s responses and get to know what they’re trying to tell you. Use the resources available to stay well-informed and lean on your support structures when you need them. As ever, if your child isn’t settling or their behaviour is beyond what you were expecting, seek support.

Once you put the effort into building those early foundations, you can then watch your children grow as closely bonded siblings. From seeing them finally walk together hand-in-hand to the support they give each other later in life, there will be special moments along the way that you’ll cherish forever.
 

Our Maternity Support Service provides practical and emotional support throughout your pregnancy journey, for those times you want some extra guidance. 

This content is for information purposes only and is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek advice from your GP or an appropriate medical professional if you have concerns about your health, or before commencing a new healthcare regime. If you believe that you are experiencing a medical emergency call 999 / 112 or seek emergency assistance immediately.

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