‘Key takeaways’ can be found at the end of this blog.

Sibling squabbles are part of family life − but how much is too much, and when should parents step in? We spoke to Vhi Senior Clinical Psychologist, Dr. Kiera Cosgrove, and she shared her expert advice on managing sibling conflict, encouraging empathy, and supporting healthy ways to find resolutions.

What causes sibling rivalry and conflict?

Sibling relationships are quite intricate, and will ebb and flow depending on a lot of factors:

• Age
• Gender
• Temperament
• The siblings’ environment

The main cause of rivalry or conflict is feeling a threat – we have a fight or flight response when we’re experiencing threats. For kids, that threat is usually someone ‘taking away’ their resources. In the case of young kids, their biggest resource is their main caregivers, often their parents. So, you can see how toddlers and young children don’t like to share their parents’ attention or time with siblings. They need help to understand that parents are loving and thinking of them even while they are not giving them direct attention and care. As toddlers grow a bit older, the resources that cause tension between siblings can move to objects such as toys and belongings. 

How much sibling conflict is ‘normal’?

Sibling conflict is typical, and even healthy when it stays at a manageable level. It can help children learn about other people’s point of view, grow patience, resolve conflict, and develop assertiveness in a safe environment. Problems tend to arise when conflict isn’t followed by resolution. In psychology, we talk about “rupture and repair” − rupture is inevitable in relationships, but repair isn’t automatic. It’s okay for siblings to argue and feel upset, as long as there’s a resolution. That’s where parents come in, because children aren’t yet equipped to navigate conflict on their own.

How can parents intervene in the most appropriate way?

How much a parent needs to step in really depends on the ages and personalities of your children − and there’s always a bit of trial and error involved. You know your kids best, and you’ll recognise the signs when things are getting too much: maybe it’s a certain tone in their voice, or they become quiet and withdrawn. That’s your cue to intervene, because the conflict clearly isn’t heading towards a resolution.

When you do step in, your role is to regulate and calm the situation − think of yourself as the referee. You’re not there to take sides or dissect what happened, just to help everyone settle. Some children need space, others need a hug, and some might just need a good cry. Once things are calmer, you can help them reflect on what happened, understand their emotions, and work toward a resolution. This is also a good time to talk about rules, consequences, and how to avoid things escalating next time.

And don’t forget that prevention matters too. Do whatever works! If your kids tend to argue while dinner’s cooking, pop on a show. If car journeys are a flashpoint, try a fun podcast or audiobook. Anything that keeps them engaged and gives them less time to squabble is a win.

What are some healthy ways to encourage empathy between siblings?

This is where conflict can actually help children develop key life skills − like empathy, cooperation, and understanding. Parents can support this by helping them hear and imagine each other’s perspectives. For children under seven, it’s often necessary to explain directly how the other person might be feeling. Older children are beginning to build the ability to do this themselves, so you can guide them with gentle prompts like, “How do you think your brother felt when that happened?”

Outside of actual arguments, there are some easy ways to encourage bonding and cooperation:

• If parental attention is a cause of tension for your children, organise some time for them together that doesn’t involve parents – maybe staying with grandparents or a day out with an aunt or uncle. Doing this whenever it’s possible can help your kids enjoy each other’s company without that sense of rivalry or competitiveness.
• Children learn through play, so lean into this. When playing games with your kids, start creating teams where it’s children against parents. This helps siblings to form an alliance!
• Have them work on projects together that aren’t based on competition – arts and crafts, baking, finger painting – whatever is age appropriate and fun to them.

How should parents handle situations where one child is consistently more dominant?

There’s a difference between being the ‘leader’ when playing and being the dominant child. This is essentially a power imbalance, and parents will want to alleviate this as much as possible. Here are some signs to look out for:

• One sibling constantly dominating, belittling or trying to control the other sibling
• Play that consistently revolves around one child’s rules, preferences, or imagination, with little room for collaboration or negotiation

This could be unhelpful for both children – the one whose self-esteem and sense of self is being damaged and the other, who is learning that behaving this way is an ok way to get the things you want. Parents need to intervene by:

• Modelling cooperative fun, interaction and behaviours in the home
• Encouraging turn-taking and shared decision-making between your children
• Validating each child’s voice and ideas
• Explaining to the dominant child why their behaviour is unfair and how it can affect their sibling

It’s absolutely acceptable for parents to put their hands up and decide professional help might be the best way for them to address this kind of dynamic. If you feel you’ve done all you can, getting outside support is definitely a good idea.

Other situations that might warrant guidance from a professional include:

• Highly emotional exchanges between siblings, especially if they become aggressive and regular
• Intense conflicts that aren’t reaching resolutions each time
• If any of your children have become distant, unlike their usual selves or highly stressed by their sibling

Every family dynamic is unique, and there’s no perfect formula − but small, consistent steps can go a long way, and help is always there when you need it.

Key Takeaways

• Sibling conflict is typical – it can help children develop empathy, grow patience, resolve conflict, and develop assertiveness in a safe environment when managed well.
• Rivalry often stems from perceived threats – young children may feel their resources (like parental attention or toys) are being taken away.
• Repair is essential after conflict – rupture is inevitable, but resolution and emotional repair may need to be supported by parents.
• Parental intervention should be responsive – step in when conflict escalates or becomes emotionally overwhelming and focus on calming rather than judging.
• Prevention strategies are valuable – distraction techniques like films or audiobooks can reduce flashpoints when people are tired/hungry/bored.
• Empathy can be taught through conflict – guide children to imagine each other’s feelings, especially with age-appropriate prompts and explanations.
• Shared activities build connection – encourage cooperative play and joint projects that aren’t competitive, such as baking or arts and crafts.
• Watch for power imbalances – consistent dominance by one child can harm both siblings and should be addressed with modelling and guidance.
• Professional help is a valid option – if conflict becomes intense, frequent or emotionally damaging, seeking outside support is appropriate and beneficial.

This content is for information purposes only and is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek advice from your GP or an appropriate medical professional if you have concerns about your health or before commencing a new healthcare regime. If you believe that you are experiencing a medical emergency call 999 / 112 or seek emergency assistance immediately.