Teenage years are full of exciting changes, more responsibility, and a little extra freedom. Vhi clinical psychologist, Dr Aoife Dáibhis, discusses why this time can cause teens to withdraw socially at times, what extent is normal and when it’s a good idea to check in with them emotionally.

Signs of social withdrawal

Your teenage years are a time of growth, change and independence. TV would have us believe that every teenager will be slamming doors and ignoring their parents any chance they get, but what’s the reality of teenage withdrawal? First and foremost, it’s important to know that there’s a normal amount of withdrawal that comes with adolescence, and it’s nothing for parents to worry about. Your teen might need some time alone to recharge after a busy day at school or studying, or could be experiencing some expected teenage mood swings! While certain levels of withdrawal are just fine, there are signs that your teen’s withdrawal is more than what you’d expect to see.

The main signs for concern include stopping or avoiding activities they used to enjoy and pulling back from friendships and relationships they previously had. For your teen, these behaviours might present as:

• Spending long periods of time in their room without leaving to interact with others.
• Avoiding communal areas in the house as much as possible.
• Not leaving the house to see friends if this is something they previously would have done.
• Not having friends call over to your house if that used to be the norm.
• Trying to avoid school.
• Giving up extracurricular activities and avoiding hobbies they once loved, such as music or sport.
• If your teen begins to want to do everything in their bedroom, like eating their meals there, this can be a sign of social withdrawal that isn’t the standard.

It’s important to seek advice from your healthcare provider if your teen is displaying any of the behaviour above, or if your gut is telling you they’re struggling and withdrawing more than you’d expect. 

Common causes of social withdrawal 

If you feel your teen is socially withdrawing more than is expected, there can be several reasons at play. But two of the most common causes are mood and relationships. These two can intertwine; your teen might withdraw from relationships because their mood is low, and their mood might be low because there are issues with their peer group, for instance. Relationship issues could be anything from your teen being excluded by their peer group to a falling out with someone in the group, or it could be a more gradual drifting from peers as interests change over time - which is normal but distressing for any teen. As for mood, every teen has fluctuations in hormones to compete against that might cause them to withdraw from others.

The role of environment

Environment includes anywhere like the home, school, and community that your teen is involved in, and it has a big role to play in their social behaviour. If we look at the home, does your teen have their own space? Not everyone can have their own bedroom, so instead, can you allocate an hour each evening where each child can spend time in the bedroom alone? Is there any conflict in the home at the moment that could cause them to withdraw? Perhaps they are often arguing with a sibling, for example - this can cause them to withdraw too. If this is the case, it’s a good idea to sit them down together for an open chat. Make sure both voices are heard, validate both of their feelings, and help to create a resolution or plan to help with what’s going on.

If your teen withdraws from friends

This can be a tricky one because as a parent you want to toe the line between helpful but not interfering in a way that makes things worse or upsets your teen. There needs to be empathy, sincerity, and compassion. It’s common for children and teens to fall out or have disagreements within their group, and your teen might feel embarrassed or ashamed if they’re feeling excluded because of this. Normalise the experience as much as you can, share your own experiences of similar situations growing up, and empathise with how hard it can be. Explain to them that changes in friendship groups happen a lot when we’re growing up and see if something happened that they’re willing to tell you about. Support them at first by listening and asking questions. When they’re ready and if they would like your help, you can help them to problem-solve. Ask them if they want to try to repair the friendship and if there are ways you can help, like dropping them to social gatherings or offering to host friends over in your house. If your teen doesn’t want to mend a friendship, see if you can help them build new ones by joining a sports team or taking up any hobbies that will introduce them to new people.

If you learn that bullying or exclusion is involved, you should speak to their school and ask for a meeting. Oftentimes, the school can support through general talks with class groups around behaviour for example, or can offer more directed support such as addressing inappropriate problem behaviours or facilitating reconciliation between classmates.

Influence of social media on social withdrawal

Social media can have a positive influence in many ways, mainly around supporting social connection with friends and family. Prolonged use of social media can negatively impact your teen’s mental health however, potentially leading to a withdrawal from social engagement in real life. Setting boundaries is an effective way to encourage healthy use of social media for your teen; try ‘no phone zones’ and ‘phone cut-off times’ in the house. Have a look at my blog, ‘The powerful effect of social media on your teen’s mental health’ for more guidance on the topic. It’s also valuable to encourage as much real-life interaction for your teen as you can; nurture their creativity, interests and skills with extracurricular activities and support. Suggest inviting friends to your house for a few hours at weekends or to do homework together on weekdays. Real-life social connection is good for our health and wellbeing but can sometimes become secondary to online interactions.

Finding some solutions

Spending quality time together as a family can be an easy win when looking for ways to help your teen. It’s important to encourage family time together in ways that feel natural and unforced, otherwise your teen will probably want to run the other way! Structure and consistency are key here; having family mealtimes set up as a given each day is a helpful way to engage with your teen. Create a no-phones rule for the table, too. Once this becomes routine, it’s far easier to protect, because everybody in the family knows to expect it, which lessens the chances of arguments or complaints about it. You can also create routine in practical ways (in ways that are feasible for your family) such as doing the school run or drop off to their sport - these are good ways to encourage interaction with your teen that won’t feel forced.

If you chat openly with your teen, try asking them what things you could do together for some quality time that they’d enjoy. You can also tune into their world and their interests and use that as a good way in; maybe there’s a concert or event you could bring them to. If they aren’t quite receptive to that straight away, you can try more practical things like bringing them shopping for the new trainers or books they need and grab a coffee or hot chocolate afterward. Family weekend hikes and cinema visits are also great ways to spend time together, and inviting a friend of your teen might make it more enticing.

By continuing to nurture an environment that will support your teen through the ups and downs of adolescence, you can work together through emotional struggles they might be having. Support from your healthcare provider is always a call away if you feel you need that extra support.

This content is for information purposes only and is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek advice from your GP or an appropriate medical professional if you have concerns about your health, or before commencing a new healthcare regime. If you believe that you are experiencing a medical emergency call 999 / 112 or seek emergency assistance immediately.

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