Stomping feet, slamming doors and rolling eyes might be what we see in movies, but that doesn’t need to be a reality when your teen hits puberty! But what if puberty hits your home at the same time as your menopause? Vhi senior clinical and health psychologist, Dr Karen Keogh, spoke to us about managing these two big life stages under the one roof, and how it can actually present an opportunity for connection.  

The psychological similarities and differences between puberty and menopause

Puberty and menopause are similar in some ways. They are both “threshold moments”; significant shifts in life stages, that are linked to changes in our hormones, bodies, minds and emotions. However, the ins and outs of these changes may be quite different for those going through puberty or menopause, particularly in terms of how they impact identity, social roles and all the expectations and challenges we face in life:

• As puberty hits, hormones definitely play a role in the whirlwind of changes, but it’s not just about biology. It’s a time when kids start to navigate their way towards young adulthood, which brings added responsibilities and expectations, an increased developmental of personal and sexual identity, increased autonomy from family, and the greater importance of peer relationships.
• During menopause, women are at the end of their reproductive years, and hormones again play a role in the range of changes that can occur. But again, it’s not all just about biology. There can also be changes in women’s emotions and cognitions, their mental and physical health, and their own sense of personal and sexual identity. How these changes are felt is totally individual. For example, some women may struggle emotionally and physically, or feel a sense of loss, or worry, related to aging and body changes. Other women may feel a sense of relief or freedom and move into this stage of life embracing new goals and values. Hormones play an integral role in all the changes that come with menopause, and, like puberty, go hand-in-hand with the shifts experienced in identity and social roles.

When menopause and puberty occur together in the home

This topic has very little scientific data available. But from what information is available online, and from what is seen anecdotally, there is no reason there should be a ‘clash’ when menopause and puberty occur at the same time in a home. The things we would normally expect when parenting a teenager, and the things we would expect to occur during menopause, can exist alongside one another without drama, distress and arguments. The reality is, your teen is often going to be moody! They are learning how to be an adult; how to regulate themselves, their emotions and their relationships.  They naturally want to be around their parents less and their peers more. The changes associated with menopause may also make women more prone to strong and quickly-changing emotions. But it’s feasible for a family to manage the two at the same time.

How to approach the situation as a family

Consider how you can manage the situation as a family in a way that’s best for all of you. Clear and open communication between everyone is key. Each family will have their own approach that works for their own individual dynamic. As parents, think about:

•  “What are our coping strategies?” How can mum manage her stress and take care of herself during this time of change? The same goes for the teens.
• “How do we communicate effectively with our teen?” This is especially important when a teen is struggling emotionally. One helpful strategy could be doing something enjoyable together as a family, like getting outdoors for a walk or cooking a nice meal together. Another is sitting down as a family and having an open discussion about how everyone is feeling. Or the old favourite - talk to them in the car when you’re not looking at each other and no one can walk away.
•  “What kind of behaviour do we all encourage in our home?” If our teens behaviour (or our own) doesn’t align with our family values, how can we work together to address it?” For instance, if teens (or parents!) tend to use swear words or slam doors when they’ve had a bad day, what may be a better way of handling this? What support is needed?
• “As parents, what behaviour do we want to model?” Parents need to lead by example; you can’t ask your teen to regulate their emotions and behaviour and keep a calm tone when frustrated if you don’t do the same. We can all become frustrated at times. However, if as parents, we are regularly struggling with controlling our emotions or our behaviour, it may be time to reach out for support.  

If you find your menopause symptoms in particular are unmanageable and are having an impact on your day-to-day life in the home, there are lots of supports available to help you. Speak to your healthcare provider to discuss your options. 

Not underestimating your teen

Compared to years ago, teenagers today are often more educated, aware and clued in when it comes to things like menopause. They’re often more emotionally literate and compassionate than we give them credit for too! As a parent, it can be good to try open communication and be honest (in an age-appropriate way) e.g. “I’m struggling with my menopause and I know my emotions are a bit all over the place sometimes and I know you’re going through something similar.” It can be a time for connection and bonding with your teen, if they are open to it and comfortable with it (and without burdening them with adults’ problems.) Age-appropriate and honest conversations might be a lovely, positive outcome from this time for you both. Maybe they can help with a younger sibling some evening you’re feeling exhausted, and you can take them for a coffee or a treat when they’re feeling frustrated or in a low mood. If your teen seems to be struggling a lot with regulating their emotions and behaviour, there’s always professional help available to them too, as they navigate puberty. 

Tips to approach open conversation

Ideally, you’ll have been having open chats about things like bodies, emotions, puberty and sexuality from when your child is young. This way, when puberty or menopause arrive, any discussions are just an extension of the ongoing natural and supportive conversation. If this isn’t the case, don’t worry. There’s no time to start like the present.

• Start by asking your teen what they already know about puberty and menopause. They’re young adults, and this shows them that you see them as such.
• If they have any incorrect information about either, gently steer them in the right direction.
• Keep in mind that depending on your teen, they might feel more at ease talking with one parent than the other about things like puberty and menopause.
• Come from a place of understanding and compassion for their experience. Tell your teen you have been there before and understand how tricky things can be during puberty.
• Ask your teen for their opinion. Ask how they think things could be made easier for everyone in the home if things haven’t been running as smoothly as before. Compromise, communication and negotiation are an important part of parenting (or any relationship!) Asking your teen’s opinion signals that you appreciate that they are growing up now, and that you trust them and value their opinion.

You and your teen may both be going through big changes right now, but through open communication you can help them manoeuvre this new life stage, and you might even develop a closer bond in the meantime.

This content is for information purposes only and is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek advice from your GP or an appropriate medical professional if you have concerns about your health, or before commencing a new healthcare regime. If you believe that you are experiencing a medical emergency call 999 / 112 or seek emergency assistance immediately.

Meet our Vhi Verified Expert